


Number One

by Cochrane



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Parody, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2013-08-14
Packaged: 2017-12-23 12:16:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/926304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cochrane/pseuds/Cochrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ichigo has gone down again, for the third time this fight. Now, all is really lost… unless Rukia still has an ace up her sleeve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Number One

Rukia had never heard Ichigo scream like that. The sound sent a chill down her spine. It was not a scream of rage, but of pain. And it looked even worse. Blood started pouring from everywhere. For a second, he continued standing upright, seemingly only because collapsing required more energy than he had right now. But then he fell down, any hint of muscle tension in his body gone, and it was over. The great non-canon everyone-against-Aizen-at-once battle was lost.

If she could, she would have taken Ichigo’s place, or at least rushed over to help him, but the attacks had taken their toll on her, too. She couldn’t feel her legs. In fact, she was not sure whether she still had them; her head would not turn if she tried. Maybe that was good news; there was no guarantee that it would stay attached to her body if she were to shake it.

No other Shinigami was doing better. She could not see all of them, but she had heard enough. In front of her lay Renji, his hair a much darker shade of red than usually. He had been hit so hard that some of his tattoos had started to peel off. Next to him crouched Nii-sama’s, his limbs bent way beyond what they should have been. Kira was kept upright by his own sword, with which he was pinned to a rock face. Rukia hadn’t even thought this was possible, given the weird shape, but Ichimaru had proven her wrong. Matsumoto, Ise, Kenpachi, Ryuk and all the others were probably even worse off, just like Orihime, Chad or Ishida.

Not that it mattered. The others were mighty warriors in their own right, but Ichigo had surpassed all of them in no time at all. If he failed, they did not stand chance. And he had failed. Rukia thought back about all his previous fights. It was not that Ichigo was invincible; he lost far more often than he won. But before, he had always bounced back. There was a certain spark in his very soul that kept him soldiering on. She didn’t know how she knew, but she could always instinctively feel it. This time, she knew that it had gone out. And there was no way to force it back into action…

“Maybe… we can… reverse the polarity… on something…” said Renji all of a sudden. “That’s always… worked in these… human shows.”

Nii-sama only scoffed at the obviously terrible joke, and Renji managed to get half-way through a shrug. Shinigami always fought with the burning fire of righteousness, so they had never had the need to develop good gallows humor.

Rukia started thinking, though. Reverse the polarity, yes, that did work in human shows, whether it was a screw driver or a deflector shield. But there was no way to apply it to Shinigami powers. She’d have to apply it to the entire universe, and that was… a plan started to form in her head.

_“Ohuuhooohuuu!”_ she screamed. The others looked at her with confusion, but she did not let that stop her. If this worked, if this was even a thing that could work, then she had exactly one shot at it.

“My sister, do you have stomach pains?” asked Nii-sama. “My late wife used to get them once a month. I never was able to figure out why.”

She ignored him, and repeated her wail, then added a few _“Yeah!”_ s for good measure.

“Renji!”, she screamed. “Can you make sounds like a cheesy 80s synthesizer?”

Never in his life had Renji shown a more surprised look. But Rukia knew that he was capable of greatness far beyond his wildest dreams, just like all her friends. He just needed some encouragement.

“Think back to the time when your head band were Google glasses and your tattoos were not tribal but cyber!”

Her childhood friend and favorite walking pineapple looked at her as if she had completely lost her mind. Maybe she had. After all, it had only been this one time, when he had first met Ichigo. But he trusted her, and she needed that right now. There was no time to explain the plan. She needed to get to the next step.

_“If you want to see some action”_ she began vaguely, but then with more force. _“Gotta be the center of attraction…_ Orihime! Can you help me?”

A lot of people thought Inoue was less than bright, useless in a fight, and hogging the vowel supply, but they were all wrong. The orange-haired girl knew exactly what was needed.

_“Make sure that they got their eyes on you…”_

* * *

_“…like the face that you see on every magazine.”_

It had taken Ichigo a moment to process what was happening. Someone was singing. No, not someone. It was Rukia and Orihime! And if he wasn’t entirely mistaken, the backing synthesizer was Renji. He felt something starting to tingle…

_“Be the focus of attention. Be the name that everyone must mention.”_

The singing was getting louder. More voices joined in, some hesitantly at first, some with full force. The high notes… that might have been Yachiru. And he was all but certain that Chad was pretending to be a drum set.

He was confused, and he knew that he wasn’t the only one. A lot of voices asked “What is going on?”, but the singers ignored them. Others shouted words of encouragement right before joining in.

He was just about to ask what the hell they were playing at, when he noticed something strange. The fatigue in his arms began to retreat as the signing grew even louder.

**“Come out from the shadows, it’s your time, cos tonight is the night for everyone to see”**

Maybe he had been wrong before. Maybe he hadn’t yet lost. Maybe, just maybe, there was still a way to turn this thing around.

* * *

**“It’s naaaaaatural…”**

Rukia realized that she had hit on something here. Was this a form of Kido, or was this something else? Maybe it was just motivation. But then, was there ever a bigger power in the universe?  


There was also something irresistible about it. People who had mocked her just a verse ago suddenly were joining in.

**“You know that this is where you gotta be…”**

She heard them calling cries of encouragement. “Hell yeah”, “We’re not going down”, “Matsumoto Rangiku, singing now”. Her friends were with her, and most importantly, they were with Ichigo. Could this work?

* * *

**“…it must be your destiny. Sensaaaational!”**

Whatever it was that Rukia had started there, it was working. Ichigo felt motivation like he hadn’t felt in a long time. The feeling in his limbs was coming back. The seemed to slow down. And he wasn’t quite certain, but it almost seemed as if his ribs weren’t broken anymore.

Slowly, he got up. It was painful and not even remotely elegant. But as he did, he heard shouts of encouragement from his friends, and the song got louder. That was all the pain medication he needed. His first step was slow, hesitant. His second was only slightly unsteady. The fourth came much faster. After the fifth step, he was running again.

**“And you believe that this what you waited for and its you that they all adore!”**

* * *

“I always thought that line was ‘gives you back the open door’“ said Hinamori with a confused look on her face, but she did not stop clapping her hands in time. Remarkable, thought Rukia. Five minutes ago, it hadn’t seemed as if the fifth division’s fukutaicho would ever be able to use her hands again at all. All around her, people found the spark to continue, and shrugged off their injuries, whether it was Komamura’s bent tail, Kenpachi’s crushed foot, Toushiro’s gaping chest wound or Soi Fon’s missing head.

* * *

**_“Now you feel like number one. Shining bright for everyone!”_ **

Ichigo’s sword moved through the Arrancar as if they were made of warm butter. They were no match for him. He felt stronger now than he had ever been. Faster, too. And was it just his imagination, or had he grown taller of the last two verses?

**_“Living out your fantasy…”_ **

He looked back at his friends. Not a single one was sitting or lying down now. For some reason, Byakuya was conducting them. This was real power right here right now. No Bankai, no hollow mask, just the raw force of friends who believed in him and cheesy 80s power rock.

There was no need to deal with Arrancar anymore. The only thing that mattered now were the three traitor captains. They were a hundred meters away, but that was no issue. Ichigo jumped.

On the other end of the battlefield, Gin and Tousen exchanged a short look. “I see that this is a thing you have to do for yourself,” said Gin. “Because… it’s personal and stuff, I’m sure. Hona sainara!”

“Oy, you motherf…” began the former fifth division’s captain and optician photo model, but he didn’t get the chance to finish it. Ichigo landed, his sword stretched out.

**_“…brightest star for all to see!“_ **

* * *

Aizen knew that things looked back. Not only had Gin left (and possibly Touzen too, but it was not as if _that_ mattered), but also, the Arrancar had stopped fighting and started snipping their fingers in time. The song was too compelling.

**_“Now you feel like number one…”_ **

Still, no need to panic. He could always try taunting. It had never worked before, but maybe there really there was a first time for everything.

“I did not see that coming, I’ll grant you that. But do you honestly think you little worm can defeat me? It is over for you!”

Aizen fired a vague burst colored energy at Kurosaki, who replied by firing his own vague burst of colored energy. Both met in the middle and formed parabolas. Sosuke liked that. You could hold such a pattern for at least three episodes under normal circumstances, and indefinitely if there was filler in between. 

**_“Shining bright for everyone!”_ **

But these weren’t normal circumstances. Kurosaki flicked his sword once, and the energy barrier disappeared like that.

“Over for me? Bitch, this song goes on for five minutes!”

The orange-haired shinigami agent punctuated his remark with a thrust of his mighty sword. Aizen just barely managed to avoid being penetrated. He tried to counter, but he didn’t even come close.

“Speaking of song length, how do we get to manage to get so much talking in between the verses?”

“It’s a Bleach fight.”

“Oh, yeah, right.”

**_“Living out your fantasy!”_ **

They charged at each other. No tricks, no agendas, no illusions, just two men and their swords. Aizen’s sword almost found its mark. A centimeter more, and he might have won. But Aizen knew that this centimeter was an illusion. If the sword would have been there, then Kurosaki would not have. On the other hand, Kurosaki’s sword had no such issues as it pierced the former captain’s heart. 

**_“Brightest star there’s ever beeeeeeeeeen!”_ **

“Any last words?” asked Kurosaki, and in his voice, Aizen could hear genuine concern. This was not just an empty one-liner. But Aizen just chuckled. Now, in the moment of his death, everything was clear and obvious. He had nothing to say that mattered anymore; he had never had. Well, except maybe one thing…

“Tell Momo… my only regret is…”

“Yes?”  


“…not finding out why it’s called Bleach.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this idea. And then I realized that I don’t have a proper context to put this in, and probably never will have, so I made it a one-shot. If you happen to have a story where this fits, feel free to use any or all parts of it that you like!
> 
> **Bonus:** Deleted line (solely for pacing purposes, of course):
> 
>  
> 
> _“No, Nii-sama, I’m moaning like this for Ichigo!”_


End file.
